i want you (pointing).

by Alexis on September 4, 2010


you know you love me. make sure you get all of me: subscribe to the depressionsandconfessions rss feed, or you can get your alexis fix via e-mail.

i’m not very good at updating my blog on friday, saturday, or sunday. i know that a lot of people aren’t, but i don’t like leaving my thursday post up all weekend. it seems lonely there for so long after it stops getting comments on friday. at the same time, i don’t have a blog topic tree, and i kind of run out of creative steam towards week’s end.

so i want to ask you people out there if you would like to guest post for me. come one, come all (snicker). i’ll put up a new guest post every saturday, and it’ll be win-win: you’ll all get to meet amazing new bloggers every weekend, and i’ll get to spend my saturdays smoking cigars and eating rocky mountain oysters. just email me (there’s an email form on my about page) if you’re interested in posting at depressionsandconfessions, and we will make it work.

first up: jenn from quirky pickings. she is a thoughtful, smart, and funny woman with what seems to be a large brain full of knowledge. she has been so supportive of my blog and me, always leaving the most insightful comments, and i have loved reading every one of them. i’m delighted to have her guest posting for me here today.

even better, jenn told me to ask her any question and she would answer it. not one to beat around the bush, i asked her something that would probably offend about 98% of the female population, not because i’m a jerk, but because i was honestly very interested to hear her perspective. but she didn’t even bat an eye, which i thought was pretty awesome, and she kicked that question’s ass. so here she is–i dare you not to be blown away by her honesty.

me: you’re single and don’t have children. how do you feel about married women with children, especially as a blogger surrounded by a forest of mommy bloggers? do you envy them? or thank god that you don’t have to live their lives?

jenn: oh, it’s envy. i wish that weren’t the case, but alas, it is. when i was a child, what i most wanted to be when i grew up was a wife and mother. not because i didn’t think i was capable of doing anything else–both of my parents are teachers, and my mother, and her mother, are very independent women. so i learned at a young age that boundaries are like that code in pirates of the caribbean–more like guidelines. no, i wanted to be a wife and mother because i thought that was the most rewarding, the most important job a woman could have.

the trouble is, i’m not pretty. i’m not one of those beautiful people. and i’m extremely picky. my parents taught me to value myself, and somewhere underneath all the verbal abuse that’s been heaped upon me, either by my peers or by myself, i know my worth. i’m an incredibly smart cookie with an abundance of talent and compassion and a great sense of style and … see? i know. god gave me all these gifts, but the packaging … well, it sucks.

and guys, they do like the packaging. a lot.

in fact, i was just talking about this with my younger brother and his closest friend today. if they were to be presented with two women of equally beautiful physiques and equally appealing personalities, and one was (were? i can never remember) dressed like a two-dollar hooker and the other was dressed with class and panache… if all things were equal, save for their attire, which one would they prefer? the hooker. why? because she shows more skin. actually those were the friend’s words. my brother said something more along the lines about how he’d get to see more of her boobies more often. i should mention that my younger brother is thirty-three and happily married with nineteen-month-old twins. i used to think that when he settled down and had a family of his own, he would settle down. how silly of me.

anyway.

my skin’s got about thirty scars on it. six of ‘em are on my face. no, these scars wouldn’t be visible to you, were you and i facing each other. but they’re visible to me. monumental to me. and that affects my psyche quite a bit.

but more, i have bipolar disorder. there are days where it knocks me flat. like yesterday. yesterday was hideous. i woke up feeling despicable. four hours later, i was feeling insane and suicidal. i managed to pull through it. i always do. but it takes so much out of me, so much. and afterward, i am surly and snarly and rude and hostile. and that could last for hours. yesterday it lasted all day. i was mean to an elderly woman who worked in the floral department of a grocery store–how lovely that job must be. seriously. happy and thoughtful. people are buying flowers just because. it’s sweet. anyway, i was evil to her because she hadn’t washed her hands after using the restroom before returning to work.

i am difficult. living is difficult. living with me is difficult. asking someone to love me. to love this. i can’t do it. giving this to a child. watching them endure the years of verbal abuse i endured. no way. i won’t do it. i’m like sylvia plath. only, i don’t plan on sticking my head in a gas oven. i’ve got those nineteen-month-old twins to spoil. when my mood is good.

i have become the thing i most feared becoming.

some women aren’t meant to have that life. and not all of our dreams and aspirations are meant to be anything more than that.

still, it makes me nauseous to feel this way. it makes my stomach clench and my eyes well.

most of the blogs i follow are mommy blogs. not because they are mommy blogs, but because they are written by strong women, much stronger women than i.

do i wish there were more blogs out there written by single women? of course. do i like mommy blogs any less because they are mommy blogs? of course not. do i wish more of them would write posts about themselves and less about their children or about raising them? absolutely. because first and foremost, they are women. and then wives. and then mothers.

see? awesome, right? now go check her out at quirky pickings.

— Alexis

{ 3 comments }

religion, awkward thursday-style.

by Alexis on September 2, 2010


you know you love me. make sure you get all of me: subscribe to the depressionsandconfessions rss feed, or you can get your alexis fix via e-mail.

by now you probably know i’m mormon. if you didn’t, well, cat’s outta the bag: i’m mormon. i haven’t written extensively about this for quite some time, and i figure now’s a good a time as any. i feel like every time i tell someone i’m mormon they get this look on their faces, like a “but you don’t act like you’re in a cult!” look. and it’s entirely possible i’m just being sensitive, but…oh well.

so listen, i understand that being religious might seem antiquated and even naive in this day and age. but thanks to my control issues and tendency to live inside my head, i’ve actually done a lot of thinking about this, and i have reasons for my choices.

here’s the thing: if i didn’t want to be mormon, i could do that. i’ve kind of done that. it’s an actual choice that i make, day by day, hour by hour. it’s not an easy life, to be sure, but i don’t know that life was designed to be easy.

a lot of the problems that people seem to have with my religious beliefs stem from a dearth of knowledge. and the funny thing is, there is so much information out there about the lds church–true information that hasn’t been spread by the general public, which seems hellbent on making all mormons out to be polygamous zealots.

if you don’t want to go looking for the information, that might be all right–chances are you know a bunch of mormons already, even if only online. most if not all of those mormons will be totally fine with you asking as many questions as you want. we’re nothing if not eager to convert the masses so we can have more people to work as cashiers at the grocery stores on our compounds.

kidding. totally kidding.

anyway, i get variations of the same questions from people all the time. here they are, with my answers:

how can you belong to a church that degrades women? i don’t. the mormon church respects women like you don’t even know.

don’t you mind that your husband might want another wife someday? yeah, that would probably bug me, but mormons don’t practice polygamy. haven’t since 1890.

why do mormons hate gay people? i can’t speak for all mormons, of course, but as for myself, i love gay people. and my church doesn’t advocate hating anyone, period. those who do hate gay people are stupid.

why so prude-a-licious? errr, have you read my blog? i’m not a prude, and neither are any of my lds friends. we enjoy a healthy romp just like any other woman, we are just counseled to abstain before marriage and only have sex with our spouses. if you can’t wrap your mind around the whole abstaining for religious purposes thing, just think of it as us being highly dedicated to preventing the spread of STDs.

there are a lot of other questions, but i’m tired and my brain stopped working about three hours ago. but this has been on my mind a lot lately, so i knew it was time to write about it. like i said, i know it might seem strange to some people that i follow a faith that so directly opposes what the world says is good or worthwhile. but the one thing i need to emphasize is that i don’t judge anyone who lives differently from me. i understand that mormonism isn’t a road that everyone wants to travel, and that’s ok.

i think my desire here is to point out that not all religious people blindly follow wherever their leaders lead, despite the way the media and hollywood portrays us. it’s possible to be educated and faithful. for the record, i’m not saying i have it all figured out–there are some things about mormonism that i don’t necessarily understand. but i relish the simple beauty of being able to believe without understanding. and i do believe.

*if you have any questions for me, feel free to ask in your comments. or email me if you don’t feel comfortable asking in a public forum. i’ll respond honestly to every one.*

— Alexis

{ 30 comments }

boogers make for the best dinner conversation.

September 1, 2010

i haven’t been updating as much as i usually do, and i’ve barely been on twitter or facebook for the past week. i have a couple of reasons. first, i’ve been trying to spend more time with my family lately. and by “spend time,” i mean actually turn off my computer and do stuff that [...]

40 comments read the rest, fool.

just wear the damned bikini, ok?

August 30, 2010

not sure if i’ve ever mentioned this, but i live in a university town. usually, i find this to be a plus. i love the opportunities that a nearby university offers (and i live within a few miles of two); extended learning classes, football games, a nice bowling alley, smart people. the other day, though, [...]

40 comments read the rest, fool.

marriage before midgets.

August 24, 2010

i don’t like the term “soul mate.” it puts so much needless pressure on people to find that one person, that perfect person who, when you find him/her, will make you complete. sorry folks, but that person doesn’t exist. if you can’t be complete on your own, no man is going to make you so. [...]

87 comments read the rest, fool.

taking care of business.

August 23, 2010

two things: 1) i’ve been thinking for a little while about doing this, and i’ve decided to just go ahead and get it over with. when i started this blog, i was pretty much writing to myself, three of my friends, sei, and maybe some random people who happened to run across depressionsandconfessions through a [...]

27 comments read the rest, fool.

guess what i did yesterday? the awkward thursday edition.

August 19, 2010

i am hanging by a thread here, people. forgive me if you want to poke your eyes out and scrub your brain after reading this. so seriously, guess what i did yesterday? here’s a multiple choice answer for you, so you don’t have to think so much–thinking is hard. a. got a massage and ate [...]

38 comments read the rest, fool.

newsflash: i make mistakes. if you don’t believe me, watch the vlog.

August 17, 2010

tuesday is customarily the day i vlog about something deep and insightful, like hookers and customized snuggies. unfortunately, today i didn’t have the energy for those types of mental acrobatics, so you’ll have to be content with outtakes. too many people try to pretend like they’re perfect, and that’s just not me. i do stupid [...]

49 comments read the rest, fool.

the olivia chronicles: letter ten.

August 16, 2010

if this is your first time reading the olivia chronicles, feel free to start from the beginning. just click on the “olivia” link in the multimedia box at the top of the sidebar to the right. enjoy! dear dimestore therapists, walking into the family room of my dad’s townhome was kind of like walking into [...]

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awkward thursday, courtesy of raunchy bloggers everywhere.

August 12, 2010

i kind of touched on this in my vlog yesterday, but i don’t think i really made myself clear due to time constraints, so i’m going to write about it at greater length today. everyone who i met at blogher was lovely, really. but i did overhear some things that kind of made me cringe. [...]

62 comments read the rest, fool.