by Alexis on May 26, 2010
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i’ve been reading over my past posts, and i am realizing that i sound like all i think about is how much my life sucks. i sound like the whiniest, complainiest brat. i promise, that’s not what i’m always like; i’m actually a very optimistic person and can be quite sweet when paid well (my friends don’t pay very competitive rates, so i’m usually pretty raunchy to them). but to me, my blog is the place where i’m able to say what i’m thinking–which isn’t always pretty–without feeling like i’m going to hurt people’s feelings (as i’ve said before, criticism hurts less in cyberspace).
anyway, today is awkward thursday, so yay. and today, i’m taking a little bit of a different direction than normal. don’t worry, it’ll still be plenty awkward, but there will be no diarrhea, no nipples, and no mustaches. sorry.
this is the hardest post i’ve ever written. yes, more difficult than talking about depression, or the possibility that i might have pooped in front of near-strangers, or dealing with my issues with my dead, absentee father. i’m having trouble with this one because it exposes me completely, and i don’t like being vulnerable without the possibility of a punchline at the end.
i try really hard not to hold grudges. really, really hard. i have done a lot of stupid things in my life, said offensive things, hurt people’s feelings. even when it was completely unintentional, i understand that my good intentions mean close to nothing when i have made someone feel like crap. so i try not to hold grudges, because i figure it’s good karma–i wouldn’t want all the people in the world i’ve offended (enough people to fill a midsized football stadium, is what i’m guessing) to be permanently upset with me.
but i have one grudge. just one. i’ve been carrying it around for the past 2 years, and i finally have the balls to let it go. there will be no confrontation, no mean words said, no fingers pointed. just a semi-anonymous blog where i can say what i need to say so i can move on.
two years ago, i was pregnant with my second son. i was trying really hard to keep my head above water–i was terrified that i wouldn’t be able to handle another baby (my first was only 18 months old at the time), and i was so tired all the time. i could barely bring myself to play with my son, so i would lie down across the foot of my bed with my bedroom door open, and he would bring his toys out into the hallway so he could talk to me and see me while he played. (side note: i’m crying right now just thinking of that; my poor, poor baby.)
one night during this time, i went to a friend’s house for a girls’ night in, and there were a lot of people there i didn’t know. i’m not really comfortable being in a large group of new people–despite the way i act–so i did what i normally do: i made jokes. i figure if at least one person’s laughing, i’ll be ok. everything went well (or so i thought), i had fun, and we all went home at the end of the night.
later on, i got a phone call from my friend. she was apologetic, but basically came out and said that i had offended some people and they had mentioned it to her. i was taken aback, kind of blindsided. it was basically my worst social nightmare come to life: people were talking about me behind my back–it was like high school all over again.
my friend and i talked about it for a little while, i told her as best as i could that i was sorry for causing trouble (although i’m sure i said it all wrong; i’m fairly certain i made it sound like i didn’t care what she thought, when that couldn’t have been farther from the truth). we had one other conversation about the incident, and it was done. we never really talked about it again, because i tried to make her feel comfortable (or at least tried to avoid the situation altogether) by pretending like i was over it.
but i wasn’t. i cried myself to sleep every night for an entire week.
the two months following that conversation were probably the lowest point of my depression, but in a new and terrifying way. whereas in past depressive episodes i had felt like my life was falling apart, now everything was fine all around me, but i was desperately needing my friends to tell me that they accepted me the way i was. and i’m sure they would have told me that, had they known i needed to hear it. but i never said anything, and they aren’t mind readers. to everyone except my husband, i seemed fine, which was just how i wanted it–i never wanted anyone to fuss over me or think there was something wrong. but every night, sei would hold me as i cried and asked him if i was really that person: offensive, crass, rude, embarrassing. was i the girl no one wanted to invite over because she just couldn’t keep her mouth shut?
since then, i have felt a little less like myself when i’m in a group of women. i don’t want to step on toes, and most of all, i don’t want to embarrass my friends. they mean the world to me, and i literally don’t know what i would do or who i would be without them. but i’ve been shouldering this burden for so long now, and i don’t want to hold it inside anymore.
i don’t want to make it seem like i’ve been mad at my friend since then. no, not at all. i don’t think she really did anything wrong; i’m glad she knows that she can tell me anything and i will never hold it against her. and i don’t hold it against her; she had every right to tell me what she did, because my actions put her in an awkward situation. but my feelings were badly hurt, and i don’t think i was really honest about what her actions did to me. i’ve never really kept a secret like that from her, and it’s been killing me. i just never mentioned it before because i kept thinking that the pain would go away on its own, but it hasn’t, unfortunately.
so there, i said it. i haven’t been completely honest, even though i like to tell myself that i can’t tell a lie. i think i was just too ashamed to admit to anyone (even myself) that i’m afraid i might be that girl, the girl i was in high school, the girl i thought i left behind so long ago. but i guess we just don’t get that luxury in life; the past doesn’t just magically disappear. my past will always be there, whether in the whisper of a rumor, the waft of a familiar scent, or in a ghost of a feeling i thought no longer existed.
i thought i was secure enough in the person i am, the woman i have become, not to be taken down by the passing remarks of other women, ones i didn’t even know well. but i was taken down. oh, so low. and i could not escape the doubt, the humiliation, no matter how i tried to pretend that it hadn’t fazed me.
so there you have it. a real confession, no punchline, no disclaimer. just me, grudge and all.
*have you ever kept a secret from a friend/family member because you thought it would change your relationship? did you ever come clean?*
and if you are reading this, my friend, know that i love you. i’m just sorry i wasn’t honest with you two years ago. please don’t think i blame you for anything; i blame myself. and i hope you don’t hate me for saying the truth now.
— Alexis
