by Alexis on May 20, 2010
you know you love me. make sure you get all of me: subscribe to the depressionsandconfessions rss feed, or you can get your alexis fix via e-mail.
there are few experiences in life that will rival that of creating and giving birth to a child. and it’s a wonderful journey, but boy is it embarrassing. when i got pregnant the first time, i was eager to know everything: what i should eat, if it was safe to exercise, how many months i would be before i could feel the baby kicking. all that stuff was very helpful, but looking back, the books leave a lot out. or they mention stuff, but kind of gloss over the details. and there are plenty of details to know, let me tell ya’.
why don’t women talk about these changes? i mean, after all these strange things started happening to me, i talked to my girlfriends and was reassured that i wasn’t a freak, but still. i could have used that information yesterday, to quote the wedding singer. so today’s awkward thursday is for anyone who wished their mother had been a little more specific when talking about pregnancy, childbirth, and life after baby. and just a warning: this ain’t for the faint of heart. but then again, neither is motherhood.
* did you know that “exploding ass” is one of the symptoms of pregnancy? yeah, neither did i. but pregnancy will bring on the gas, no doubt about it. i was able to control myself in public, but you’d better believe that there was a fair amount of dutch ovening going on in my house during my first trimester. * i was completely bipolar for at least the first six months of my first pregnancy. one second i’d be laughing hysterically at a geiko commercial, and the next i’d be crying my eyeballs out because sei told me my eyes looked small when i laughed.* when you’re pregnant, your hair doesn’t fall out. that makes it seem like your hair grows faster. all of your hair, if you catch my drift. in other words, hair will be erupting from your follicles with near-lethal force. if you’re still not sure what i’m talking about, just take my advice and add some time to your personal beauty routine for extra ‘scaping.* depending on the week/day/hour, your sex drive will be through the roof or through the floor. during my second trimester of my second pregnancy, i was so tired that i could hardly drag myself out of bed in the morning. i’m pretty sure my hymen grew back. (sorry, sei!)* your body will slowly swell to radical proportions. by the time my ninth month rolled around, i barely recognized my face in the mirror: i looked like a dead fish with pink slugs for lips. even my nose was huge, like princess fiona’s. not cute. * no matter how many educational books you read, you’ll never be able to prepare yourself for the random substances that will be making their way out of your body via your, err, hot pocket, especially right before labor begins. google “mucus plug pictures” and you’ll see what i mean. just be sure you have a garbage can nearby, because i assure you’ll lose at least a few of your cookies. anyway, if you get pregnant anytime soon, stockpile your favorite pantyliners.* you will either have diarrhea or be constipated for nine months. guaranteed.* your skin will be effed up beyond belief. i’d never had a pimple until i got pregnant, then all of a sudden i was a walking poster, a proactiv “before” picture. i was not happy, and you won’t be either. on the other hand, some women enjoy better skin while pregnant. whoop de-freakin’ doo.* in the spirit of your body no longer belonging to you, your nipples will be kidnapped by aliens and replaced with something from a horror movie.* i weighed more than my husband for the last month of my pregnancy, and i just tried to ignore that fact. however, he’s never let me forget about that time i tackled him (we were wrestling) and totally took him out. it was the only time i’ve ever been stronger than him. * many women are terrified of evacuating their bowels during labor. there’s a really good chance this will happen, so just try to deal with it beforehand. i told sei he had to watch carefully and tell me if i crapped on the table (i had a weird curiousity/obsession). he told me i didn’t, but i’m still unsure of whether or not i should believe him.* if you get an epidural, you’ll also have to get a catheter. i know this seems like a duh thing to say, but i totally didn’t even think about it. so yeah, as if a needle the size of a drinking straw in your spinal column isn’t enough, you also get to have a tube shoved up your urethra. yay.* after the delivery, a torture specialist disguised as a nurse will force you to use the bathroom while she supervises. i’m sure this serves a purpose, but i was so traumatized. my butt hurt like a mothereffer, i’d had a huge tear plus a large episiotomy, and this trick was telling me i had to move my bowels. i just sat on the toilet and cried until she felt so bad that she let me go back to bed.* be prepared for the post-delivery cramping. i wasn’t, and it came as a huge (and painful) shock. * also be prepared for the copious amounts of blood that you’ll be losing. i just never thought about it, but you have all this extra blood in your body (because of the baby, of course), and then you don’t need it anymore. so it has to leave, and as a result, you get to wear sexy mesh underwear and a sanitary pad the size of a water buffalo. * if you’ve ever wanted to know what you’d look like with a boob job, have a baby and then wait a couple days. when your milk finally does come in, you’ll look like a porn star but feel like a bundle of raw nerves. i was in so much pain i just sat around and whined. the only thing that worked for me was hot showers, ibuprofen, and a heating pad; these dulled the pain enough to allow me to function.
so these are just a few of the delights we are able to enjoy as a part of pregnancy. how’d i do? did i miss anything? if you haven’t had kids yet, are you still planning on doing so, or have i scared you off? happy awkward thursday!
p.s. i totally spaced yesterday: i was the featured blogger on our mommyhood, and i totally forgot to tell you all. if you’d be so kind, please pay them a visit and leave a comment on my post. otherwise, i might be kicked out of the blogosphere for crimes against guest posting.
— Alexis
