a few years ago, before i’d had children, a close friend asked me what i thought about her getting breast implants. she was done having children, she said, and wanted her girls to look better.

being the sensitive and all-knowing 23 year-old i was at the time, i totally ripped her a new one. “why would you do something so drastic?!” i said. “don’t you think that’s a little shallow?!” i said. “isn’t that a huge waste of money?!” i said. “what’s WRONG with you?!” i said. i couldn’t believe she would want to surgically alter something i thought looked totally fine.

sweet, huh? don’t you wish you could be my friend so i could make you feel like a terrible person? well, get in line.

i was so smug and self-assured in the way i felt about plastic surgery; i knew i would NEVER go under the knife, no matter what. i could NEVER be that vain.

cut to three years and two vaginally compromising experiences later, and i am rethinking that particular position. not only has pregnancy changed my body beyond any repair i can do to it on my own, but it’s also made me a lot more understanding of other women’s choices.

in the past, i judged women for everything from using a nanny to not being able to keep their children silent on airplanes. now? i just close my eyes and hope people aren’t judging ME when i feed my kids crack lollipops so they don’t throw food when we eat out.

and as for plastic surgery, i’m thinking i will probably need it at any moment. here are the procedures i’ve found myself thinking about when i’m in the shower and can’t escape the sight of my drooptacular self:

*boob job. probably just a lift, because i think my hooters are a pretty good size. but if i have any more kids, i will be lifting my knockers off my shoelaces when not wearing a bra. hence the lift.

*botox. i know this is surgery-lite, but still. i just want to not have crow’s feet and laugh lines.

*tummy tuck. all the skin between my belly button and pubic bone (you thought i was gonna say hair, didn’t you? get your mind out of the gutter) needs to just not be there. it’s not really even skin anymore, it’s more like crepe paper.

*lipo. love handles, inner thighs, and back fat, be gone.

*laser hair removal. ok so this isn’t surgery at all, but how nice would it be to not have to shave? so nice. but i’m never going to do this, so this is more like a “this would be nice if i weren’t a complete wuss” kind of thing.

*brazilian butt thingy. i have pancake ass.

*porcelain veneers. i hate my teeth because i had a bad dental procedure when i was sixteen, and now the tooth to the left of my front teeth looks a little weird. sei always makes fun of it by telling me i have something stuck in my teeth, then when i get all self-conscious and reach for my mirror, he says, “oh, nevermind, it’s just you.” i can’t tell you how funny that joke STILL is after eight years of marriage. so funny.

and while i’m at it, i’d also like better hair and smaller feet, please. just take my toes, i don’t really need them.

the kicker is, though, i’ll probably never get any of this done, except maybe the veneers. i am hugely averse to pain. so i will just have to dream about being sliced up like a thanksgiving turkey and pumped full of silicone. *sigh* what a beautiful dream.

i’m probably the only one who thinks about this, right? (please say not right).

— Alexis