by Alexis on June 3, 2010
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i cried on the treadmill today. i’m not talking a little sniffle, i’m talking “hold-it-in-so-my-snot-doesn’t-run-on-the-exercise-equipment” crying. don’t worry, i didn’t have a psychotic break or anything (at least, i don’t think i did, but i suppose it’s entirely possible), but i did in fact cry.
my first thought: well, this is mortifying. should i hide in the bathroom? (totally unrelated side note: today was sei’s second day of work, and it was loooong. i’d forgotten how hard single parenthood is. it’s so hard that i *might* have had to take a crap at the gym today, just so i could take a crap without a 25-pound sack of babyflesh sitting on my lap and a 35-pound toddler banging on the door screaming, “what are doing in der? is you poopin’? can i come in?!” remember, i said MIGHT.) my second thought: WHY don’t i have my notebook right now? i need to write this down so i can blog about it later!
i’m a loser.
anyhoo, the reason i cried is retarded. i was watching the french open while i ran, and jurgen melzer came from two sets down to beat third-seeded novak djokovic in the quarterfinals. if that means nothing to you, don’t worry. i have a point.
melzer is 29 years old, and this is his first quarterfinals win in 31 grand slam appearances. not only that, but he rallied to win three straight sets against one of the best players in the world, who has never lost a match in which he was up two sets. and just in case you’re wondering, 29 is OLD for tennis; it’s a very intense sport and the pros age out of the game very quickly. so melzer’s win is a big deal–it would be far more likely for a tennis player to retire at his age than compete in the french open semis for the first time.
back to me (because me is all i really care about, ya’ know): i was watching this match, and melzer hits the winning shot. and he just lights up. like literally, i could feel his happiness coming at me through the tv all the way from france. and i just started blubbering like a sweaty, jogging lunatic. and then the camera panned over to his family, and they were jumping up and down and screaming, and i very nearly shouted out loud and did a fist pump in the middle of the gym.
after i gathered my wits and finished up my run, i went to my car and got my notebook. and i wrote this:
self-sabotage. doubt. people cheering an accomplishment. accountability. melzer.
first of all, i realize as i typed that collection of jumbled thoughts that i may very well need psychoanalysis. whatever, that’s why i blog. second of all, this is my awkward topic for the day:
why are women so good at sabotage, and why are these efforts to ruin everything nearly always pointed inward?
take me, for example. i love my children, i love my husband, i love my place on this earth; after all, i chose it. i wanted to be a mother, a wife. but i know now that these things are not enough for me. and they never, ever will be. i might have felt self-conscious saying that at one point in my life; i might have thought it would make me sound like a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to have children. but now i just don’t care if that’s how i sound. i know how i feel, and how i live, and i guess that’s all i can really be responsible for at the moment.
ugh, tangents got me going all adhd on you all right now. ANYway, like i was saying, take me. i am a wife and a mother, but i want more. i always have wanted more. so why don’t i have the more that i’ve always wanted? let’s see, shall we?
* i’ve always wanted to be a writer. seriously, always. i started writing books when i was 8 years old. i say “started writing” and i mean that literally: i start writing books all the time, then never finish them. what’s standing in my way? a lack of talent? maybe, but lots of untalented writers get published all the time, so that’s not really an excuse. lack of time? yeah, i’m busy, but i write this blog, don’t i? lack of ideas? not at all. actually, i have tons of ideas, i just never see them through. so what is it? sabotage.
* i’ve always wanted to be healthy. i would post a picture of the way i looked in high school, but i might start crying again, and also all my pictures are in storage. when i was in high school, i was healthy. i never dieted, but i was active and at a good weight for me. now, it’s all i can do to not break mirrors when i see my reflection, and let’s not even start on how long it takes me to run a mile. basically, i’m not healthy in even the loosest sense of the word right now. what’s standing in my way? nothing. sabotage.
* i’ve always wanted to start a business. to learn how to knit. to play an instrument. to speak another language. and on and on.
why am i choosing to live an unsatisfactory life when the whole world is at my feet? i can have pretty much anything i want, but i don’t work for it. and it’s not because i’m lazy; i’m plenty happy to work hard for the success of those i love. for example, i worked my butt off to help my husband get through graduate school. it was hell, but i was willing to do it because i wanted to see him excel and reach his potential. and he did, and i’m pretty sure my efforts on his behalf made his life a whole lot easier during that time.
but where’s my master’s degree? oh yeah, i sabotaged it into the garbage can over in the land of my lost dreams.
why is it that i can give heartfelt encouragement and support to the people in my life who are making their dreams a reality, but can’t muster even a shadow of confidence in my own ability to succeed?
grrr.
i’d like to think that it’s a symptom of depression and i can make it go away with a wonder pill or exercise (blech), but i’m realizing that it’s more like a symptom of being a woman.
thoughts?
— Alexis
i cried on the treadmill today. i’m not talking a little sniffle, i’m talking “hold-it-in-so-my-snot-doesn’t-run-on-the-exercise-equipment” crying. don’t worry, i didn’t have a psychotic break or anything (at least, i don’t think i did, but i suppose it’s entirely possible), but i did in fact cry.
