today’s awkward thursday is a married woman’s love song to men who are not her husband. he got his chance to say megan fox is hot, now it’s my turn.

i took my husband on a date last night to watch eclipse. and about halfway through the movie, during taylor lautner’s 34th shirtless scene, i said “that kid has a nice body,” and sei said, “all right, get over it already.” i don’t recall correctly (i was busy panting), but i guess i’d already mentioned le taylor’s pretty little abs a couple times, and apparently i also squirmed every time he came on-screen. what? the seat was uncomfortable.

anyway, sitting through eclipse (aka bella’s toupee looks like roadkill) made me realize something: i find other men attractive. or in the case of that particular werewolf, i find a barely legal overactor to be smokin’ hot.

you know that episode of friends, the one where ross writes his “celebrity out” list? he has a list of five celebrities he could sleep with if he met them, even though he and rachel were together? *sorry, side note: i just realized that i need to get a life.* well, i have a celebrity out list. or maybe it’s more like a celebrity out epic poem.

here is my current directory of men who will be there for me if my husband ever leaves me (which he won’t because face it, i’m awesome):

• bradley cooper: so i realize i talk about this man a lot, but yum. i don’t pretend to get what it is about slender, slightly strange-looking white men that makes me all glowy and sweaty, but there it is. if you saw the hangover, i hope you understand what i’m talking about. when he walked out in his black on black tux, i’m pretty sure a deaf person in china could’ve heard me sigh. also, the a-team? i think sei’s words were, “wow. that guy is shredded.” so that only seems fair, right? bradley cooper turned my husband gay, so that means i get to lick him when i meet him.
• clive owen: so this guy is not good-looking in the traditional sense, but man can he act. and his accent? swoon. he is a little old for me, but he’s probably got money, which i’m all for. i’m sure i could learn a lot from an older man with a lot of money. like, how to dye gray chest hair while simultaneously buying myself an island.
• chris evans: hello, lover. i would like to launder my delicates on your washboard, please. thank you. (also? please either shave/wax your chest hair off completely or just leave it. stop manscaping it into intricate patterns that look like they belong on the ceiling of the sistine chapel. i only shave biannually, so you’re giving me a complex.)
• christian bale: i have always, always, always carried a torch for this one. ever since winona ryder crapped all over him in little women, he’s held a spot in my heart. i was like, seriously, winona? you’re gonna choose that old dude over laurie? pshaw. i bet she’s kicking herself now…
• gerard butler: i love a mysterious man, and have you SEEN phantom of the opera? i want to call gerard so he can come to my house and sing me lullabies when i have insomnia. extra points if he lets me wear his mask.

and if you were wondering if i’m team edward or team jacob, let’s just say this: i’m team the one who doesn’t look like an albino POW. notice how edward’s shirt was NEVER off in eclipse? it’s because the director of the movie heard a collective blowing of chunks during every single screening of new moon when edward came out with his hairy, scrawny, baby-chicken chest showing.

no husbands were harmed in the writing of this post. sei is well aware that i only have eyes (well, hands–we have a strict “you may look but never touch” policy) for him.

p.s. that picture of me is random but my post felt naked and i was too lazy to find a suitable picture.

p.p.s thanks to jill for the inspiration.

so who would you temporarily leave your significant other for? please tell me you have already made a list similar to mine and i’m not the only married woman with a notarized and framed copy of said list.

— Alexis