i hope you’ll all forgive me, but i’m taking a break from the olivia chronicles today. if i’m feeling better later in the week, maybe i’ll put up letter eight on wednesday. instead, i think today i’ll write about my favorite subject: myself.
the coming week is going to suck hairy donkey balls. big ones. (do donkeys ever have small balls? if you have personal experience, this is something i’d really like to know.) sei is going to be traveling all week for work, and so i will have pretty much no one to complain to. i’m thinking about packing up the suv and driving my brood of wild dogs, errr kids, to where my lover shall be. hopefully there is a pool at sei’s hotel so i can get a tan and feel bad about my body.
i’m having a really hard time shaking off the shadows. blogging has been helping a lot–reading all the comments, the emails, writing out my feelings, everything helps–but i had another mini-breakdown on saturday afternoon, and it wasn’t pretty. sei and i were talking, and he said something about how he’s been having a hard time with being away so much for work, and he wishes he could talk to me about it more, but he’s worried about stressing me out. and then i started bawling and telling him that he has no idea how much my life sucks and that i wished i could go and get a job so i could be away for 10 hours a day, even if it were just for the satisfaction of being excited to go home at the end of the day.
and as the words came out of my mouth, i was horrified, but i couldn’t stop them, like the proverbial train wreck. and i was crying and stuttering and trying not to ruin my makeup, and i wanted it all to stop because i was already regretting the words that had only moments before escaped my mouth. but i couldn’t. they kept on, without mercy.
and do you know what sei said? he said, “well, why don’t you get a job, then?”
my first thought was that i wanted to backhand him for always saying the right thing, when all i can do is say the wrong thing. but then i thought to myself, ugh. so i am REALLY the only person standing in the way of my own happiness? i mean, sei is telling me that i can get a job if i want, and i know he’d have my back if that was really the case. and yet, all i can do is sit in this damned car and cry like a baby.
and there is the story of my life. ugly old self-sabotage, rearing its head once again.
i think i need to see a shrink.
i had a thought yesterday. it popped into my head completely unheralded and unexpectedly, and i tend to trust those thoughts more than others. perhaps that should tell me my issues are a lot worse than i’m willing to admit, no?
anyway, the thought was this: maybe the world would be better if i just didn’t exist.
and this was not a suicidal thought. don’t worry, i’m nowhere near suicidal. no, this was more like: i wish i could be not here so that sei and my children didn’t have to suffer because of me. have you ever thought something even close to that? that you’d rather cease to exist than have to watch your husband shed another tear over his confusion and fear for you? that you’d do anything, even disappear, so your kids could have a normal mother who didn’t cry then scream then laugh hysterically then lie in bed for six hours?
i dunno, maybe i don’t want to know the answer to that question. because if i’m the only one, it’s probably better if i can just imagine that i’m not.
i understand this is all completely irrational and probably sounds crazy to a person who’s never had a mood disorder. that’s fine, think i’m crazy. i needed to get it out. i’m not going to leave my children, that’s never been an option, and never will be; mostly for selfish reasons–i simply would stop breathing if i couldn’t smell them and hold them everyday.
but i can’t help thinking sometimes that they might be better off if i just dropped off the face of the earth, and it was as if i’d never been here. this would be different from me leaving them, because there would be no abandonment, no tears, no memories. all the pain would just be over, and they could be happy without me.
— Alexis
{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }
You know what I truly believe? Although depression isn’t pretty a lot of the time, it shapes you into such a beautiful person. While you see all of the negative it has on your family, I think your family will look back and see how it made you that much better of a mother, friend, and wife.
Promise.
You may cry more, but you love harder what you have. That’s beautiful.
i think you’re right. i do feel much more empathetic and compassionate since i’ve been depressed. it sucks, but there is always a silver lining, i suppose.
You have to remember you are NEVER a burden to your family. They love you, unconditionally, just like you love them. And, I’m sure your husbands comments just came out of frustration…word vomit.
Keep writing, if it’s therapeutic, then keep it up!
Cristina recently posted..If I Suck inTHEY FIT!
Before I get all mushy on you, I must say that it is TOO annoying when you’re being all irrational/demanding/crazy and the husband goes and says something totally perfect and supportive and, well, almost angelic like…a solution to your problems. My husband does it all the time. He’s like my personal light-bulb-in-the-head-turner-onner.
Anyways, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time but you should know that your kids would definitely DEFINITELY not be better off without you. You’re their mommy, flaws and all. And mommies. Well, they can’t be replaced.
My mom was just here for six weeks helping me with baby and while she was here, I realized just how unique the mother/child relationship is. Imperfections and all, it’s irreplacable.
Loves.
Ashleigh recently posted..The Hood -Day 128-
You. Are.Wonderful. I know that your children are going to be absolutely fantastic little gentlemen because their mom led them down correct and good paths. You are a blessing to them, Sei, your family & friends and everyone that follows your blog hourly, daily, weekly. My heart hurts that you are experiencing this right now, but I know FOR SURE that there’s NO WAY it would be better if you weren’t here.
Dude, a good shrink is totally where it’s at. I cannot successfully or even moderately manage my depression without my therapist. I’ve tried going to for long without seeing her and I always fall back into the negative, self sabotaging behaviors. Seeing her keeps me honest with myself.
I’m sorry it’s been so tough. Sending hugs and good thoughts.
thanks diana, i am in the process of finding a good therapist. i’m back on the meds now, but i don’t think they will be enough on their own.
That’s how it is for me. They certainly help, but it takes a lot of tools for me to stay ahead of an issue this big and consuming.
Oh Lex, I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. But TRUST, your kids would NOT be better off without you. You’re their mommy and that, to them, is everything.
Please let me if there’s anything I can do for you! Love ya!
I’ve had similar thoughts … wondering if my kids would be better off. Then I answer with a resounding “Hell no!” You are awesome. Keep writing, keep talking, keep crying … it all helps.
chele recently posted..Being Present
thank you for your comment, chele. it really made a difference in my day. YOU are awesome.
They would NOT be better off without you. No way. *HUGS*
Maybe a part time job would help? Getting out of the house and being off “mom duty” for a little while. Being a SAHM is HARD stuff.
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos recently posted..Porn Star Boobies and Catching My Hair On Fire
it is hard, and i need to keep reminding myself of that. sometimes i go through the whole day and then think to myself, “wow, i got nothing done today.” but i need to remember that i took care of my children and kept them safe and fed, and that in itself is good enough for that day.
I feel like this all the time, like I wish I could just disappear and that they would all be better off without me…I feel ya, and it sucks, big time. I hate the sad hopeless look in my hubby’s eyes and feeling like I caused it…breaks my heart. : (
i’m sorry you’re dealing with this. it’s not fun, that’s for sure. email me if you ever need to talk.
Our cycles are synced indeed. I am the MASTER at self sabotage. I get that. And I know without even the shadow of a doubt that your babies would NOT be better off without you. You are amazing, and I love you and I applaud your bravery in sharing this. I know just where you’re at and I hope you find a way up and out soon.
i hope i find a way out soon, too. that’s the worst part of this, is that it seems like there is no end in sight.
As the spouse of a clinically depressed person (who won’t admit or treat it) let me just say that life is BETTER with a spouse (no matter how crazy) than without one. (Well, I suppose if the spouse were like homicidal-crazy it would be worse, but you know what I mean.) Seriously. I’d rather deal with a depressed spouse than not have one at all. And I prefer it when said-spouse talks about stuff with me, and lays it all on the table. No matter how hard it might be. ‘Cuz that’s what I’m there for.
Another thought: wanna meet up IRL sometime this week? I’m up in your town all the time (and am hopefully moving there in a few weeks!) My boys are 4 and 5 and I’m sure would get along great with yours. I’ll let you hold my baby and soak up her sugars. Or if you end up packing up the kids to be with Sei, totally cool. Whatever’s best for you, sistah-friend. xoxo
thank you so much for saying this. i know in my rational brain that sei feels this way too, but in my crazy brain all i can think is that i am ruining his life.
and we should get together sometime. i actually did end up going up to idaho, but seriously.
I’ve wondered the same thing (minus the “kids would be happier”), and I’ve realized that as difficult as it may be to love me, people do love me and wouldn’t be happier without me. I’ve wondered it on a suicidal level, too, but usually when I’m suicidal it’s purely selfish, as in, “I can’t take any more of this.”
Your kids and your husband love you, so much. Remind yourself of that every time the “they’d be better off without me” thoughts start to seep in. Those thoughts are enough to drive anyone crazy, but you can fight them. I’m here for you.
*hugs*
Elizabeth Kaylene recently posted..Driving While Hungover
i get so tired of wondering and wondering and wondering. i hope one day all the wondering will stop. thank you for caring, for leaving your comment, and for having my back.
I hear ya. Right now, honestly, the only thing that’s helping me battle those thoughts is knowing that it would break my grandfather’s heart.
And I’ve definitely got your back! You can email me, any time. (:
Elizabeth Kaylene recently posted..How to start a girl band
My life would be a much crappier place without you in it. Are you seeing a therapist? I think it’s time to go back. If that’s not a suicidal thought, it’s certainly a hopeless one, and that is the first step to thinking self harming thoughts.
I love you and care about you!!
Kristina P. recently posted..Blog Post Redux
aww, thanks kristina. and no, i’m not. and yes, it’s time. thank you for being your social worker self
. i’m trying to corral the motivation to find a therapist at the moment. but i have gone back on my medication, which is a good thing. thanks for caring about me. xo
Girlfriend. A shrink is a girl’s best friend. Get one. Do. It. Now.
Stefanie recently posted..mondays mother
I know that my life and world would be a LOT Less BRIGHT without you in it. Knowing is half the battle..fighting it, winning it..is the other half.
Thinking of you and lovin you for being able to write it.xoxo
thank you. that is all.
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this babycakes. Can I call you babycakes?
Well, I love you. and so do your kids. and so does your husband. and so does everyone else.
jill, you can call me whatever you want.
Get a shrink. Get some drugs. Feel better. Doesnt matter how you have to do it, just do it.
Getting a job wont truely make you feel better. Because then you see how your paycheck comes just so you can pay for day care for those beautiful babies to hang out with someone else all day. Been there, done that. Not worth it.
And they most certainly wouldnt be better off with out you here. They wouldnt be them with out you. They would be someone elses kids. and very different.
Glad the blogging is making you feel somewhat better- now take the next step and get some professional help, so you can get back to the happy you. Then pack up your beasts and drive to the nearest theme park and HAVE A BLAST! You deserve it.
thanks, megan. i tend to agree with you that a job won’t make me feel better. it might just be me, but it just gives me one more thing to fail at. i kind of feel like i need to simplify, not complicate, my life.
I think there are some great comments here, I want to just add my voice to them. I have thought the same thing. I think you and I both need a good therapist, I just hate the process of finding a good one. Therefore my procrastination. I say pack up and go if you can. If you’re heading to So Cal then I’d love to meet up. I’ll make you a cake!
i WISH sei was working in california. i would have been at your house in a hot minute. but noooooo, sei was in pocatello. oh yes. idaho. wootywootwoot.
OMG. I love you. I’m having the exact same day you were having. Except I’m already on medication. So what does that mean?
We’re all here for ya.
who knows what that means, really. thanks for being there for me, as always. good karma for you.
We all, every one of us, have those moments. Our mom’s had them too, and their mom’s before them. Life just throws some poop at us, and sometimes we just want to run away, cease to exist. It happens. If talking to someone is what you need to do, don’t be afraid to do it.
I have a little something for you at my blog because I love yours so much. Come see what it is.
http://therealpoopsie.blogspot.com/2010/07/versatile-beautiful-sugar-doll-of.html
thank you for saying that. i know that everyone has terrible moments, but when i’m in it, it seems like i’m the only one who sucks at life. and thank you for the award, i appreciate it like you don’t even know.
No matter what you think, your kids and your husband could never have a better life without you. Just reading how you write about them, you have an amazing love for them. I hope you start to feel a little better soon!
Lisa recently posted..The impression that I make
you’re right, the love i have for them is amazing. i only wish that were enough to make everything ok. but reading what you write to me always makes me feel so much better, so thank you. xo
sorry you’re going through this. i too highly doubt your kids would be better off without you (crazy or not). your #1 yesterday got sad a for a moment and the fist thing he said to me was – i want my mommy.
you’re truly loved!
i would escape with your boys and crash sei’s hotel room. consider it a quick get a way. sleep in… hopefully the hotel has a free continental hot breakfast…. swim….eat…nap… swim again… dinner…sleep! oh that sounds lovely right about now! do it!
thanks so much for telling me that about my baby, sarana! and i went to visit sei, but no, no sleeping in or breakfast. but there was a mouse. good times. LOL!
find a copy and read The Little Soul and The Sun…even if you don’t agree with its philosophy, i just want to know that you really hear that the whole entire world would NOT be the same place, the same sunny, sometimes things are good place that it is without you. xoxoxo
thank you alisha, i will look that up. but mostly thank you for all your support, all the time. i appreciate you so much.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way right now. I have experienced it many times and it feels hopeless and never ending. I hope that you can figure out what will help you. I really like that you are so open and honest, its nice to have someone to relate to. On the flip side, I hate that there is anything remotely like this to relate to. No one should have to feel this way. Hopefully it leaves you soon!
thank you nicole. i really hate hearing that people can identify with my struggles, but like you said, it’s still comforting to know i’m not alone. and i know i will figure out something that works for me and my family. i just hope it comes sooner rather than later.
Of course your kids wouldn’t be better off without you. I mean of course they wouldn’t exist (duh, and probably not helpful) but then who would your oldest son look like when he cried if you weren’t around? Who would have 96 different strollers to push your kids in? Not to mention how it would effect everyone else, I mean how would the economy survive?!?! LOL
I know you don’t want to get a job, but I think it would do you a lot of good too. And I mean that coming from a place of love, not I-don’t-think-you-can-do-it-land. I was just talking to my hubba bubba last night about how rewarding working can be. You receive praise, your efforts are recognized and fruitful, no one (usually) talks back to you, throws things at you or bites you. You’d still be a mom, hey our moms did it right?
And BTW Sei adores you, and could never adore anyone else the way he does you
it’s so true–you forget how much praise can do for your ego until you never get it, and then you’re like, hello? someone? tell me i did a good job, dammit!
and i don’t appreciate you drawing attention to my stroller-buying issues. they are a SECRET, tina.
I really wish you could see what other people see–I certainly do not “know” you, but have read enough the past few weeks to get a “sense” of you, and you are such a deep, thoughtful/ tormented, caring, intelligrny, and beautiful person inside and out. I really wish you could see that…
wow, jules, thank you so much. i wish i could see what other people see, too–i have always wished that. but thank you for your comment and for your words. they mean a lot.
Could I buy you a 44 oz carbonated/caffeinated beverage right now? (Makes me feel a bit better, until the bloating sets in…)
I too have/do suffer from depression. Currently off the meds, but some days I have the same thoughts you have ~ in reverse. (I work). Today was a day I would love to be at home with the babes…but then I wonder if I could handle it all day wo/ being on meds.
Do what YOU need to do. Everything else will work out. I agree w/ the gals above….get some gas & getta headin’ to the hubby. You are so lucky to have him as your support system. Hang in there-Hugs…
i’ve heard this from other moms, too–that when they are at work, all they want is to be at home. i guess the grass really is always greener. but i don’t know that work would necessarily solve my problems, probably just create more. i just need to figure out what is really wrong with me emotionally and address those issues first.
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Wow.. I was reading your post in my google reader and felt the need to respond…then when I came to your site – you already have a zillion comments! Girl, you are so loved-it’s not even funny.
I too suffer from serious depression. From being a hot-hard-core-career woman to a fat-out of work-far from family mom.
Our life is forever changed as a mom.
I just started reading your blog..I love your heart and honesty.
Go play with your kiddos-then you get your mind off it. I do it when I want to pig out! hahahah. Play-Doh works great for that! =)
And… find yourself a hobby-or a part-time job. It helps too!
Joey
http://www.RealMomMedia.com
thank you for coming to comment, joey. i’m sorry to hear that you are dealing with depression, i wouldn’t wish that on anyone. i do feel very loved and supported from the readers of this blog, and the validation and happy feelings i get from it are so irreplaceable. so thanks again for being a part of that.
I think the good thing from all you are going through is that you are aware of the issues. That really is the first step. I have never suffered from depression (possible insanity with 2 toddler boys) but know many who have. If you need to get a job, then that is what you do. I love reading your posts (even though I still have not gotten updates since you switched…darn computers) and seeing your vlog. It makes us feel like we are really getting to know you. Maybe you need to come back here to NY for a little ‘toughing’ up..LOL!
i totally am going to be in new york this week (yay!) and i bet i come back with steel balls.
yes. i’ve thought that. i’ve also had a number of suicidal thoughts in the past.
and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get out of the house and not spend the day covered in baby poop (or is that just me?). you shouldn’t feel guilty for that one bit, but the fact that you do just means you’re human.
it’s a roller coaster ride. you know that. and i think seeing a shrink might make the dips a little less scary. although don’t ask me. the one time i made a therapy appointment i kept throwing my phone in the closet when the receptionist was calling to verify the time and date.
but we’re here for you. you know that.
i haven’t really kept up a consistent rapport with a therapist, and i think it would help. but just the thought of another appointment to schedule and get a babysitter for makes me break out in hives. so i think i need to get over that first.
I feel for you. I have felt that way in the past and..no question it sucks. I hope you’re able to do what you need to do to feel better. Now that I’ve done my good deed for the day, I can resume my jealousy that your blog is way cooler than mine will ever be.
my blog is not cool. i just have a lot of cool people who occasionally read it, including you. and thank you for your good deed for the day, it totally made mine better.
Ya know…I think it’s totally normal to have all those feelings. Plus you can’t help how you feel. I was recently diagnosed with PPD and my daughter is 9 months. I started seeing a therapist just to be able to talk to someone who has no biased in anything….it has honestly helped. If you are having those feelings it might not be a bad idea. And don’t think you are a bad mother or wife because of this. It’s something that you are going through that you will get through! Just have faith in yourself and your family and try to realize that they wouldn’t be better off without you. Everyone has their problems and with the right support group behind you you’ll totally get through it! And this is a perfect place for you to vent and get some advice and realize that you aren’t alone.
If you ever want to vent more you can totally email me….we can have some pity parties together!!! Sometimes it helps!!!
Hang in there….sending lots of love your way!
thank you nikki. i really appreciate your comment and your offer of support. it’s because of amazing women like you that i know i’m not alone, and that some day this will all be over. it’s not going to be forever. i’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering, and i hope you’ll continue seeking the support you need to make it out. xo
I have had that EXACT conversation with my husband like A LOT. There are so many times that he is like, just go get a job then. It is not that easy asshole!!!! There is no way your kids would be better without you. And you know what, just wait until they are older and you can make them laugh with your wicked humor! You are one funny ass chick!!! *Muahhh!!!* xoxoxo
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..The Next Alicia Keys…or not
rachel, i just have to say that your comments ALWAYS make me feel better, no matter how crappy my day has been. ALWAYS. you are awesome, and thank you for having my back. now i’m gonna go cry ’cause you’re not gonna be at blogher with me this week.
I hope you know that you are the greatest blessing for your family. Having you around every day, even when it is a bad day, a day where you want to curl into a ball it is a better day because you are around.
If you really want to get a job, just start with a part time job – maybe one that allows you to work some from home. I work full-time and it brings a whole slew of different challenges. Part time is a great start and add more as you go.
Amy recently posted..Oh the things I learned this week
thanks amy. i know that getting a job is not going to make my life easier or better. i will still have problems, they will just be different problems. i think i just need to get over what is bothering me right now, without muddying the waters and complicating my life further. and then when i have figured those things out, maybe i can get a job to help prevent further meltdowns.
I’ve felt that way my entire life. So far, since Shane was born it’s gotten better only because my depression has lifted a slight bit- but I still have those thoughts occasionally, even though I’m on an “upswing” right now. Like you said, it’s not a suicidal thought- more like a guilty feeling. Like you’re dragging everyone down and preventing them from living full lives.
It’s not true, though. But I know that there’s no way to rationalize with that side of your mind, so no use in me trying; just try to remind yourself of how much your kids & Sei love you if nothing else.
{Not Quite} Susie Homemaker recently posted..I Kind of Suck at Life
exactly–it’s not suicidal. most people don’t understand when i say that i don’t want to be around anymore, they think i want to kill myself. i really, really don’t. i just sometimes want to stop existing so my suckitude doesn’t have to bring everyone else around me down. but you’re right, that’s just the depression talking, and i need to find some way to drown that voice out.
thank you for your comment.
oh sweet alexis, i am so sorry. and i am especially sorry that i read this tonight instead of before i saw you on sunday.
i can’t speak for everyone but i know i have had moments where i wondered the same thing – but then i realize of course not! in all my imperfection and craziness, my children and my husband would be devastated without me. god doesn’t expect us to be perfect, we shouldn’t either.
i know it can be hard to realize you need to be on meds – but there is nothing wrong with it. your body is lacking a chemical. it doesn’t mean you are nuts. and if you find the right therapist – it really can change your life. let me know if you want gene to give you some names for a referral to check out. i think its best to go to someone you don’t know.
anyways – love, love, love you. if you don’t go to sei – come over and let me spoil you! i can cook for you while you throw your feet up, the kids play, and we can just chat the day away. xoxo.
i feel like i am reading my thoughts from three months ago. A therapist helps. a lot. I put it off for WAY. TOO. DAMN. LONG. She even lets me say things like asshat and fucktard. So seriously? it’s good. Also? I hate when I find out I am the only person standing in my own way too. I want to bitch slap myself. Sigh…and I think it’s good you exist. The world needs more you out there keeping shit real.
Katie recently posted..I Saw the Signand It Opened Up My Eyes
katie, you make me laugh like you don’t even know. f##!tard? really? that’s so vulgar and yet hilarious. and thanks for saying it’s good that i exist. i tend to disagree, but coming from you it makes a lot more sense.
i think that all the time, actually. have since i was eight. i carry this insane amount of guilt around with me because i am so difficult in relationships, and i always feel as though the majority of the unpleasantness in them is my fault. so i think of all the ways my family would be better were i not here. not that i’m going to be vacating the premises, just as you said. but i feel more like a burden than a blessing.
and then i remember what my family felt after my brother’s death and how difficult it was to find some semblance of normal in the years that followed, and i know the better off sentiment to be untrue. death’s a much greater burden than despair.
c.c. recently posted..barcelona and madrid
it’s so good that you are able to remember the way you felt when your brother was gone. sometimes i’m so self-involved that i totally forget that there are other people in my life, other people who would be sad if i were gone. sometimes life is so painful that all i want to do is to stop existing. but i’m not the only one whose feelings matter, and i really need to tell myself that more often.
thanks for the reminder.
This is my first time here, and I could have written this post…I said this just the other day to myself. There are times I feel as if I am doing more harm than good. I have always stood in the way of my own self fulfillment and happiness. I am have always been my own worst enemy, and I have an anxiety disorder and thank God for my happy pills that get me through every single day. You are not alone, and now I know that I’m not either. Thanks for sharing.
The Ninja recently posted..Ode to Snarkler
thank you for sharing. and thanks for reading and of course for commenting. i am starting to feel like a broken record, because like half of my posts are about how i suck at everything and i only have myself to blame. but every single time, someone different says that they are feeling the same way, so i guess i’m not being that repetitive. my medication is finally starting to kick in (that’s why i’m replying to comments today, two weeks after the fact, lol), and i’m starting to see the sun.
thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts when i was feeling so down–you made a huge difference in my day.
“God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.”-CS Lewis
Fulfilled in Christ, fulfilled in ALL!
errrr, thanks, i guess.
oh, i laughed so much at your reply. this is why the world needs you, alexis. :]
glad to make you laugh
i didn’t want to be rude or anything, but guess what? i believe in jesus, and i go to church, and i do nice stuff for other people, and i STILL HAVE A MOOD DISORDER. and guess what else? i am fulfilled in medication!
hugs to you for getting my jokes.
I just had to respond to this post. First you are amazing for being so honest, you give all of us crazy people a voice in a way. Getting the real thoughts and scary ideas out there not only makes you feel a bit better, but it helps others realize their issues and may help someone stop all their negative ideas about the reality that is depression and mood disorders. You are helping people!
I have been fighting all the feeling you were talking of for about my whole life. Meds help off an on, but I think I really need a therapist. Maybe i’ll get off my ass and do what i know needs to be done! its just that suggests that i would have to have some hope that a therapist could help me, and depression is the cancer of hope! It all works against you. It sucks.
But know!!! You are amazing and brave! Wow I am in awe! Please keep being you, sometimes even the crazy can be good. All the greatest people are at least a little crazy, in my opinion.
thanks for your comment, marjorie, it made a huge difference in my day and really made me happy to know that my words might have had a positive effect on your day. i just read about your engagement, and that is so wonderful. congratulations and thanks again for reading and sharing.
I know exactly what you are talking about. Not necessarily that you want to kill yourself, but just that you think your husband and your children would be better off without you and with a “better” wife/mom. It is so hard to get past it. So hard. You are not alone and you are not crazy. It is the depression talking.
YES! I too have felt like my being ‘gone’ would benefit those I love. First time I ever thought that was during an abusive relationship–I thought that MY being gone would make things easier for HIM. I have depression, too.
an abusive relationship can totally screw with your worldview and usually makes women turn the bad feelings inward, so they end up suffering over and over for something they were not at fault for in any way.
thank you for sharing, and i’m sorry you’re dealing with depression. it sucks no matter how you put it, and i feel for you. feel free to email me anytime if you need to talk or vent or whatever, i’m always available. hope to see you around here again!
It was so nice of you to respond! Thank you for your encouraging words. Thankfully I have moved on (WAY on) from that relationship, and, five years later, I am in the most wonderful/healthiest relationship of my life!
I love your blog, and I can’t wait to read more–especially about Olivia. She’s lucky to have a friend like you to help her share her story.
that is amazing that you made it out of that relationship–many women don’t, and it’s such a waste. i’m so happy for you that you’re in a good relationship; i know being with a supportive and loving man is often the only thing that allows me to make it through these episodes.
and i’m glad you’re liking the blog; knowing that there are people who appreciate it makes it so much more worthwhile and fulfilling.
that is amazing that you made it out of that relationship–many women don’t, and it’s such a waste. i’m so happy for you that you’re in a good relationship; i know being with a supportive and loving man is often the only thing that allows me to make it through these episodes.
and i’m glad you’re liking the blog; knowing that there are people who appreciate it makes it so much more worthwhile and fulfilling.