it is thursday, and the awkwardness is just not flowing. me? not awkward? hell hath frozen over. so instead of awkward thursday, today is random crap that is only funny at two in the morning thursday. because apparently, my brain thinks i am a bat and i am only able to sleep during the day, like on the toilet and while i’m driving.

how cool would it be to sleep upside down? and to be able to fly? and use echolocation? can you just imagine the world of possibilities that would open up to me if i were a bat? but then everyone would probably hate me because no one likes ugly things. and bats? they are fugly.

the other night i was tweeting with some people (yes, i am a loser and so are they (love you guys!)) and we were talking about vajazzling. if you don’t know what i’m talking about, just think bedazzler for your furry mouse (or hairless mouse, if you prefer). i don’t know what it is about a hot glue gun near my privates that is so hilarious, but trust me–at two in the morning when you’re all hopped up on diet coke and gummy worms, hooha rhinestones are funnier than chelsea handler.

and speaking of chelsea handler, she is one of my favorite girl crushes. her squinty eyes and smoker’s rasp are so hot, as is her wicked sense of humor. and like nearly everything else in my life, she is funnier at two in the morning. witness:

“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It’s my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they’re making up for something else like a big hairy back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don’t know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

right? (sorry mom.)

and speaking of squinty eyes (a la chelsea handler), it was like a million degrees outside today and when i went walking around my neighborhood with the double stroller, my clothes were completely stuck to my body within minutes. i still haven’t showered because sei was gone for 15 hours today, and when he got home, all i wanted to do was ignore everyone.

i smell.

also, there’s talk that apple might have to recall the iphone 4 due to some very serious hardware issues. can i just say: HAHAHAHA SUCKAS! this is in no way a manifestation of my jealousy that i am stuck with butthole sprint and they will never have the iphone. not at all.

and finally, if you have not yet liked my facebook page, here is a little glimpse of exactly what you are missing:

depressionsandconfessions i just ate enough peanut butter m&ms to give a rhinoceros diarrhea. i don’t think this is going to turn out well.

in case you’re wondering, it has not turned out well. not even a little bit.

and here is a picture i laughed at for, oh, about twenty minutes straight at–you guessed it–two in the morning. i think i peed a little. we’ll see how we feel about this in the cold, hard light of day. let me know what you think:

image credit

— Alexis