i am hanging by a thread here, people. forgive me if you want to poke your eyes out and scrub your brain after reading this.

so seriously, guess what i did yesterday? here’s a multiple choice answer for you, so you don’t have to think so much–thinking is hard.

a. got a massage and ate lunch with friends
b. learned how to play “the thong song” on the piano, then performed a solo in front of my church congregation
c. wept helplessly as my ass exploded over and over for eight hours straight
d. saved a dying baby sheep (also known as a lamb in some circles)

if you chose a, b, or d, you’re fired. didn’t you take the SATs? when in doubt, always choose c, people! how do you think i got into college? not by studying, that’s for damned sure.

i caught some mysterious intestine-eating disease from my son, who apparently likes to lick the bottoms of people’s shoes in his spare time (because i can only imagine from the maliciousness of this particular stomach bug that it had to have come from something someone stepped in). i therefore spent my entire yesterday wishing i’d never had children, who are obviously at fault for every life-threatening case of diarrhea i have ever been subjected to.

not to be graphic, but it looked like my toilets had been attacked by jackson pollock–that is, if he’d only ever used brown paint–and i could barely sleep last night, mostly because i was terrified of sleepsharting (not to be confused with sleepfarting, which if you’ll remember, is only done by sei).

in any case, i lost five pounds in eight hours, which might help explain to you the severity of the ass explosions. and so help me, if any of you comment and say that you wish you could have had that virus, i will hunt you down and spit on your tongue, then you will catch the liquid poo virus, then you will never say something like that again. because let me tell you, this was the least pleasant diet i have ever been on, and i’ve tried ‘em all.

and in the spirit of other things that are only funny at two in the morning, here are some more twilight pictures. if you don’t think these are funny, keep it to yourself. i want to be able to think we’d all get along in real life.

that last one isn’t a twilight picture, but i just wanted you guys to have a good visual of how i’ll look when i see bradley cooper in person for the first time.

— Alexis