i don’t like the term “soul mate.” it puts so much needless pressure on people to find that one person, that perfect person who, when you find him/her, will make you complete. sorry folks, but that person doesn’t exist. if you can’t be complete on your own, no man is going to make you so. that’s just not how it works.

but i should be clear that i am not cynical about love; i totally consider myself to be a romantic. i like flowers, hand-written letters, a surprise date that’s been all planned without my knowledge as much as the next girl. and just because i don’t like the way the term “soul mate” has been interpreted by our society doesn’t mean i don’t believe in true love. i do, totally. like, “twoo wuv”? i believe in that. i am twooly in wuv with sei, head over heels.

soul mate, though…the phrase has come to mean “sole” mate, and that is something i just can’t get on board with. i’m of the opinion that there are tons of people in the world who i could marry and be happy with. that might sound heartless and raunchy, but it’s the honest truth. marriage is made up of three key ingredients, in my opinion: love, chemistry, and hard work. i can love lots of different people, have chemistry with lots of different people, and whether or not i want to work at a relationship is wholly up to me.

and this brings me to one of the most important truths in my life: i love my husband more than i love my children, and i always put him first.

see, my children? they are my soul mates. i alone can be their mother, and they are mine alone. i love them regardless of their choices or of any (lack of) reciprocation. they are innocent and dependent on me; i gave them life, and i continue to do so. in my heart, i know we were destined to be together.

but sei and i came together as a result of our choices, and we choose to be together over and over again, every day. it is for this reason i can say i love him more than i do my children. my love for him isn’t totally organic and effortless; i must work at it because we are two different people with very different ideas, methods of doing things, and ways of seeing the world. if i didn’t make the conscious decision to be with him every day, it would be very easy for that love to devolve into friendship, for our chemistry to fizzle, or for us to just grow apart. our relationship needs constant attention, and for that reason, i put him first.

i will always provide for my children, no matter what. at this point they are pretty much helpless, and i couldn’t bear to see them suffer, because i don’t do well with suffering children, especially when they are mine. and don’t get me wrong: if my house was burning down and i had to choose who to save, i would save my children, obviously, and i trust that sei would do the same. they need saving.

but in matters of daily life, sei comes first. i will always consider his happiness before my children’s, because i know that together, he and i will make our children happy. but if we are not together, if our marriage isn’t solid, our children will be the ones who really lose. i think the greatest gift i can give my children won’t be some awesome video game or life-size replica of a medieval castle in our backyard, it will be the example of what a loving relationship looks like.

i won’t be one of those mothers who ignores her husband’s needs so that her children can have everything. i won’t be taking my kids to 85 different activities every day and neglecting my relationship with my husband. i never feel guilty about leaving my kids at home for a few hours every week so sei and i can go on a date, sans short people (other than when we double date–i have a couple of short friends). i look forward with glee to the three or four hours of quiet after the kids go to sleep that sei and i will have to talk or…whatever. it’s the highlight of my day, and i see that as a good thing.

because as soon as those hours aren’t the cherry on my sundae, i will have forgotten my priorities. my marriage is my priority, always has been. having children didn’t change that, and i’m not ashamed to say it.

— Alexis