i don’t like the term “soul mate.” it puts so much needless pressure on people to find that one person, that perfect person who, when you find him/her, will make you complete. sorry folks, but that person doesn’t exist. if you can’t be complete on your own, no man is going to make you so. that’s just not how it works.
but i should be clear that i am not cynical about love; i totally consider myself to be a romantic. i like flowers, hand-written letters, a surprise date that’s been all planned without my knowledge as much as the next girl. and just because i don’t like the way the term “soul mate” has been interpreted by our society doesn’t mean i don’t believe in true love. i do, totally. like, “twoo wuv”? i believe in that. i am twooly in wuv with sei, head over heels.
soul mate, though…the phrase has come to mean “sole” mate, and that is something i just can’t get on board with. i’m of the opinion that there are tons of people in the world who i could marry and be happy with. that might sound heartless and raunchy, but it’s the honest truth. marriage is made up of three key ingredients, in my opinion: love, chemistry, and hard work. i can love lots of different people, have chemistry with lots of different people, and whether or not i want to work at a relationship is wholly up to me.
and this brings me to one of the most important truths in my life: i love my husband more than i love my children, and i always put him first.
see, my children? they are my soul mates. i alone can be their mother, and they are mine alone. i love them regardless of their choices or of any (lack of) reciprocation. they are innocent and dependent on me; i gave them life, and i continue to do so. in my heart, i know we were destined to be together.
but sei and i came together as a result of our choices, and we choose to be together over and over again, every day. it is for this reason i can say i love him more than i do my children. my love for him isn’t totally organic and effortless; i must work at it because we are two different people with very different ideas, methods of doing things, and ways of seeing the world. if i didn’t make the conscious decision to be with him every day, it would be very easy for that love to devolve into friendship, for our chemistry to fizzle, or for us to just grow apart. our relationship needs constant attention, and for that reason, i put him first.
i will always provide for my children, no matter what. at this point they are pretty much helpless, and i couldn’t bear to see them suffer, because i don’t do well with suffering children, especially when they are mine. and don’t get me wrong: if my house was burning down and i had to choose who to save, i would save my children, obviously, and i trust that sei would do the same. they need saving.
but in matters of daily life, sei comes first. i will always consider his happiness before my children’s, because i know that together, he and i will make our children happy. but if we are not together, if our marriage isn’t solid, our children will be the ones who really lose. i think the greatest gift i can give my children won’t be some awesome video game or life-size replica of a medieval castle in our backyard, it will be the example of what a loving relationship looks like.
i won’t be one of those mothers who ignores her husband’s needs so that her children can have everything. i won’t be taking my kids to 85 different activities every day and neglecting my relationship with my husband. i never feel guilty about leaving my kids at home for a few hours every week so sei and i can go on a date, sans short people (other than when we double date–i have a couple of short friends). i look forward with glee to the three or four hours of quiet after the kids go to sleep that sei and i will have to talk or…whatever. it’s the highlight of my day, and i see that as a good thing.
because as soon as those hours aren’t the cherry on my sundae, i will have forgotten my priorities. my marriage is my priority, always has been. having children didn’t change that, and i’m not ashamed to say it.
— Alexis
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I have always been one who believes that everyone does indeed have a soulmate. However-sometimes your soulmate is NOT who you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. I’m so glad I’m married to the spouse I’m meant to be with, and not the person I believe is my soulmate-I’m stabby enough already, ha. Thanks for making me think!
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I am giving you a standing ovation. I saw a woman on Oprah, many years ago, who said basically the same things as you. And she was totally crucified. But I got what she was saying. By putting your spouse first and foremost, you ARE actually putting your kids first.
When you nurture your marriage, and in Mormon terms, the person you are sealed to, you are then being the best parents you can possibly be to your children. Your kids will go on and have their own families. And then you are stuck with someone, if you have ignored them for 20 years because you are too busy raising kids, that you don’t know anymore. It’s sad to me.
Kristina P. recently posted..Insert Witty Title Here
exactly, kristina. your kids will grow up and have their own lives, and if you haven’t been working to keep your marriage strong, your life leaves with them. i don’t want that to happen to me. and oprah can bring it on.
This is a sweet post..and a really good reminder that a marriage needs care, and attention, and work. It’s so easy to forget that in the hustle and bustle. Your men (big and little) are so blessed to have you as wife and mother.
This is perfectly written and I totally agree with you, even though I didn’t know I did before reading it. I always thought that putting your children first was the “mom” thing to do, but really this made so much sense! I really appreciate this insightful take on marriage and making it work when children are involved.
hi samantha! thanks for your comment. i don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to put your children first, i just think it’s not a good idea to put your children first at the expense of your husband. i also think that your kids will benefit the most from seeing you in a loving relationship with their father (or father figure), and they won’t even notice if you don’t spend every waking moment with them.
i’m glad you were able to get something good out of the post.
I’ve never before heard a mother refer to her children as her “soul mates” and honestly, I have no idea why because it’s just perfect. And I agree, marriage comes first.
I hope I dont sound like an ahole but I dont think marriage should come first. I believe a REAL MAN will understand and know that his wife still love him if she caters to the kids. If a man doesnt understand that and needs constant attention from his wife than he needs to grow up. I say kids come first.
In my observations (and I don’t have kids so I’m not really biased yet) I think that putting your marriage first sets a good example for your children. Teaches them about love and commitment. And putting your marriage first in no way is saying that you just neglect your children.
I know two families personally. One puts the marriage first and the other puts the kids first. The one where the marriage is number one, the children are very respectful. Their 4 year old once said, “Sorry for interrupting, but I really wanted to show you this.” And then the other family, the kids know that they are number one so when in public if Mom is talking to someone like a bank teller, family member or cashier, the kids will throw tantrums if they are not paid immediate attention.
Just my thoughts.
Wow, wow, and wow!! I LOVE this! You made me think too and thank you for that. Marriage is hard work and you are right, you have to make that choice everyday. I hope that my kids see that and also the love that DH and I have for each other. And I totally love thinking of my kids as my soul mates! Ah–easily best post I have read all week!
thanks for the great comment, natasha. i just always had the feeling that my children and i are like pieces of a puzzle, along with my husband. we make a perfect picture, and i know that was predestined. my husband and i? not so much. we are opposite in many ways, but we choose to see eye-to-eye on the things that matter because we know our life together is worth the work.
Sing it sister
This was so beautiful. I agree with you, a healthy relationship is a very important thing in a child’s life! It is so sweet how you always talk about how much you’re in love with your husband
I think people today find marriage to be too disposable, and seeing someone like you who has the same make-it-work philosophy as me (at our age, seems like we’re the exception rather than the rule) is refreshing!!
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i TOTALLY think that the power of marriage is underestimated in our society, and it’s sad. there is no greater way to grow (in my opinion at least) than trying to make a life with another adult.
You’re a better wife than I am!
I love this and I totally get where you’re coming from. I wish I could put it into practice more. My husband and I are each others’ forever.
We will still be ‘us’ when our son doesn’t need us as much, leaves for college and finds his own forever.
We only have him as just ours for such a short time, I feel like I need to surround myself with him before he’s gone. But maybe I need to shift my thinking.
I have much to think about. Thanks for that. (not snarky)
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy recently posted..BlogHer 2010- Pre-Wrap Up Part Two
thanks for at least trying to see things from my point of view. i totally understand what you’re saying, too–time passes so fast when you have children, and before you know it, they’ve gone on to bigger and better things. but at the same time, i think the best way to prepare them for those bigger and better things is to show them how to love their partner. your example will stay with them for life, and that’s all i was trying to say here. i feel you on wanting to cherish every single moment you have with your baby while he’s young. you’re a good mom.
I love that you said you came together because of your choices and you choose to be together every day. I feel the same way abut my husband. I don’t like the idea of soul mates either, I like knowing my husband and I are together because we want to be together not because it was our destiny.
WOW…your writing continues to amaze me and get me to think.
I loved this post, it was so honest and coming from a place that is so real and so true …that every part of me that thought about putting the kids first is gone.
I always used to say that I remember an Oprah where a dr said “children shouldn’t run your lives…you invited them into your life, not the other way around” and while I know that I will always love my boys, the truth is that love is unconditional…forever….and that my love with John is WORK and decision…that’s what makes it worth it.
THANKS FOR WRITING THIS.
you are welcome for writing this.
I read a list of 10 things that make a great Dad and my favorite was Love Your Wife, it teaches your sons how to treat women and your daughters that they should never settle for less.
Bob, I so agree. 100% No 1000%
One thing I always make sure I do is show love to my wife in front of my 3 boys and my daughter. For my boys I want them to know how they NEED to treat a woman and for my daughter I want her to know how she should be treated.
Where was that list?
well said!! i whole-heartedly agree.
Dear Niece,
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. You described some thoughts I’ve had recently, and wrote them beautifully. You have an amazing talent. Thank you.
dear uncle,
thank you for your comment, it made my day.
Do you know how many friends have criticized me for this in the past? For saying that my husband is my #1. For saying that marriage is constant hard work, and it’s up to the husband & wife to make it work. For sending my kids to bed early so I can hang out with Sugar Daddy.
I’ve been laughed at. Scoffed at. And down right ridiculed for my opinions on this matter. And since I think you are really awesome… I’m super stoked that we are on the same wave length. Not that I really care what people think, but it IS nice to have cool people on my side. ;o)
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don’t listen to the haters. if that’s not how they feel, fine. but you know what’s right for you. and i’m glad you’re on my side, too.
Where have you been all my life?!?!?!? You and I agree on SO many different levels. Its so nice to hear someone else feel this way.
Agreed – and believe you me – my marriage needs lots and lots of date nights to work.
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Well said.
In the end, you won’t have the midgets, you’ll just have each other.
Having a stable, healthy relationship is the BEST thing you could do for your kids. And I totally get that.
Theta Mom recently posted..Every Mom is a Hard Working Mom
Well said! We agreed before we had kids that our priorities would be marriage, kids, work. Sometimes one may need to be put before the other, but in the grand scheme of things, that’s the balance that was important for us. Really loved this post!
While I do not agree with the term soul mate and what society has made it, I do feel that there is one person that is meant for everyone. But just because that one person is meant for you, does not mean you will be together for a life time. It does take work. It does take effort every day to continue to choose to be with that one person.
I agree that our husbands should come first. It is hard during the early days of child rearing, but as the kids get older it is an easier task to put the husband first.
Interesting post today.
Love this! And so encouraging to hear from someone else! We learned this in our pre-marriage counseling, and at the time it didn’t really sink in. We were in the middle of “feeling” love, how could it be any different down the road?! Now, kids have come (three of them to be specific), and I do have to choose to love my husband all the time. (And I love the term soul mate for our children…explains it so well!) Thank you for the reminder that it takes a daily effort to keep that love going with the hubby. Our oldest son just started Kindergarten, and we are in the trenches of busy schedules now. I want my relationship with my husband to be top priority! Time to plan a date!
i sometimes look back on our days as a married couple before we had kids and think, “dood, we should have spent all our time on dates and vacations. who needs work?” going out now just requires so much more planning. but i appreciate the dates that much more because they’re harder to come by.
ah yes…the life before children!
Couldn’t agree with you more, very eloquently written.
Perfection.
I often have this thought “I love my kids because I have to (not in a terrible way, but there is just no other choice for me). I love my husband because I want to”. And I’m glad we always have you guys to ditch the “midgets” and go out with… even if I’m short too. LOL
Thank you so much for posting this! I definitely know exactly how you feel when you say that he’s your first love and whom you love most. I don’t think you can compare the love you have for your children or for your husband. But, I know that at the end of the day, my day is complete if I get to spend time with my husband.
I do have to disagree in one area though, if you don’t mind, and that’s on the idea of soul mate. I can see your point that you could be happy with other people, and I’m sure I could be too. But I don’t believe there are other people that I would be this happy with. That’s why, I would say my husband’s in that very select few and that makes him my soul mate.
Anyway, amazing post, AS USUAL. ; )
Cristina recently posted..Happy 3 Month Birthday Liliana!
you are more than welcome to disagree with me. and i agree with you, that i feel like i am happier with my husband than i could be with anyone else. but i choose that happiness, we made it together. it wasn’t destiny, or at least that’s my opinion.
I love this post. And not because I wholeheartedly agree with it, but because it made me really think about the value I put on my own marriage. I definitely started out arguing with you, but you made very valid points. Thanks for poking me with a stick.
i’m glad i was able to at least make my point well enough that you could see things my way.
Well said! I loved the way you made your points and worded this post! I completely agree that the best thing you can give your kids is an example of a loving relationship between their parents! My husband always says that he’ll be put 2nd once we have kids, and I always tell him NEVER! He will always be my number 1 and I will always love him first and foremost
I’ve just recently found your blog and love it!! This was such a beautiful and brave post. I love the ideas you conveyed and totally agree with the idea that your soul mate isn’t necessarily your spouse. And as a newlywed and I am slowly discovering the importance of really spending the time to make my husband happy and do maintenance on our marriage. The other stuff can always wait.
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thanks for your comment, i’m so happy you found my blog. congratulations on your recent wedding!
Do you love him more, or do you love him differently? I don’t mean that to sound snarky, I am truly curious. I definitely haven’t been putting my husband first and it’s created quite a strain. Spoken and unspoken. You make some very interesting points in this post and have made me think!
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i love him more and differently. differently, because obviously. more, because the love i have for him doesn’t happen effortlessly. there are days when i just want to wring his neck, and on those days, i have to remember that what we have is oh so good. i say i love him more because i WORKED for that love, and i’m proud of it. this is not to say i don’t love my kids to the moon and back. i do. just not as much as my husband.
What an incredibly amazing and insightful post. I agree wholeheartedly.
Thank you for this post. I needed the reminder that it was okay to put my husband first. It’s easy to forget when you have a toddler running amok. I think I’ll have to do something special for my guy asap!
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Love this. It is all too easy to let kids, work, house, etc. get in the way of nourishing a marriage. When a relationship is new…and your still each other’s top priority…it’s fun, and both people feel so important and valued. I hope to get better at renewing and nourishing my marriage. After all, my daughter is only a part of the life my husband and I built together; albeit an infinately important and needy part. But just a part. Geeze, I hope I used that semi-colon correctly. ;P
Wow – it’s like I never learned how to spell. Can I claim “mommy brain” on this one?
totally. blame your kid, it’s like my favorite pastime.
This makes me feel better about my ability to be a good mom someday. You are an awesome mom, AND an excellent wife. This gives me confidence that I could, too, be both. I’m not married OR a mom. And I’ve always been unsure about whether I’d be a good mom, because I’d always want to make sure my relationship w/my husband was in tip-top shape. You’re awesome & brave!
wanting your marital relationship to be good is one sign of a good mother, in my opinion. the fact that you even care enough to think about it says to me that you’ll be fine.
I agree as well. When I was married, I put my husband first, we had an awesome relationship.. After my kids came (2 in a row, 11 months apart) a big strain was put on our marriage. But there was so much work involved with the 2 infants, and we lived way out in the country with NO HELP. So we suffered. He worked a lot before the kids, so he couldn’t help me when they came…
Long story short, he ended up cheating because he needed more attention and I couldn’t give it to him (and I was severly depressed as well, which got even worse when he started cheating). I was hurt deeply when he left me and his own children when we needed him most because I put him first, why couldn’t he put me first?
I am now with someone else, who tells me I am his #1. I try to make it work every day. It is like a flower, you have to water it, give it some sun, or it will die. I agree that we can be happy/have chemistry with lots of different people. I also think that you can connect deeply to someone, and may never feel that again with anyone else, you just can’t be with that person, but you can still be happy and love on a different level.
GREAT POST! I AGREE! I am a little gun shy about marriage right now, but if I ever do get married again, I will surely make my husband #1.
i’m so sorry…i hope you know i didn’t mean to imply that you’re at fault in any way for what your husband did. women never deserve to be cheated on, no matter what. there’s just no excuse in the world for that kind of behavior. i can totally understand why you’d be gun shy about marriage.
and also, i see it as a given that husbands should feel the same way about their wives as i do about my husband. it’s a totally reciprocal thing.
Wow, I usually go right along with everything you say.
But you know what, I would rather my wife pay less attention to me and more to our kids. I know what your saying and I love how deep you get when you write this stuff, and I guess I am not disagreeing with what you say, I guess I am different by saying i will love my wife the same if not more by her giving ALL of her attention to the kids. I still get my Pants Off Dance Off and thats fine. Once a week is ok if the kids get most of the love.
I dont want to be number 1, I want to be 5 after our 4 C’s.
Your shit is great and you write with alot of emotion and I love it. If I didnt write like a jackass some of the time, all of my shit would be sappy and I would cry too much. I would be like the MEN’s Lifetime Blog….Not happening
And that is a great pic of you and your husband.
you know, i thought a lot about your comment. i even talked to sei about it, because i wanted his opinion. he said, “no guy is ever going to want to admit that he wants to be #1.”
and you know what? what you described to me in your comment is exactly what i was trying to get across in this most. you said “once a week is fine if the kids get most of the love.” those are your needs. if your wife meets those needs and you are happy, she has put you first. it doesn’t mean she needs to neglect your children. if what you ask of your wife is that she spends all her time taking care of your children and you feel she has done that, your needs have been met.
i think you should want to be #1 to your wife, and i know she probably feels like you are #1 to her. you just don’t put it in the same words as i do. but i can tell how you feel about your wife, and that’s what i meant in this post. you guys put your marriage first, and that is the awesomest thing you can give your children.
that’s all i was trying to say…that it’s ok to not let your children take over your relationship. it’s possible to have it all–the good marriage and the happy children–and in fact, the one makes the other even more possible.
I don’t believe is soul mates. It is ridiculous. It gives people a fairytale notion of love instead of the hard and gritty truth. Love is difficult, messy, and sometimes makes you want to pull your hair out. But the rewards are beyond words and worth all the work.
And I thought I was the only one who called my kids midgets. I love that word. If I were a little person I would prefer to be called that over little person. Midget sounds more adorable.
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Alexis,
I needed this reminder. Since moving, everything has been about getting the kids into school, soccer, dance, etc. We’ve only been on one date in six weeks and we had the baby with us. In all the ups and down of life, I’ve come to realize that having Ronell as my biggest supporter and vice versa means more to us individually than anything because we both know we have to make the conscience effort to be there for each other. I 100% agree that putting him first makes our whole family happy. I don’t think “putting him first” means sacrificing the kids’ needs and I think some of the readers who made comments before me might have that interpretation. “Putting him first” means making the conscience effort to do the little things (kiss him when he comes home, take a shower
, pay attention to him, spend undivided time with each other, etc.). No husband really expects their wife to drop the kids and pay attention to him. But making sure he knows he’s wanted, needed, and loved are essential to my happiness, his happiness, and the general spirit of our home. In my mind, that’s what it means to have your spouse as your #1. Again, thanks for the reminder.
Briawna
you understood me perfectly.
I think this is a great post but my Mum put her various husband’s first and not us much to the detriment of our relationship with her!! I do appreciate however that this isn’t what you were trying to say with this post and I completely get where you are coming from x
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Hey Alexis,
“but in matters of daily life, sei comes first. i will always consider his happiness before my children’s, because i know that together, he and i will make our children happy. but if we are not together, if our marriage isn’t solid, our children will be the ones who really lose.”
I’m sure many would disagree with you (I haven’t read all of these comments, but have spotted a few dissenters), but this completely on point (in my mind).
I think children feel secure and loved when they see their parents loving each other.
Great post, girrrl.
I loved this post. I couldn’t agree more. My marriage is so important to me because at the end of the day, my children will grow up and move on with their lives and my husband needs to be there at the end.
After my oldest son was born, when he hit 5 weeks old, we left him at Grandma’s and went out.
Alexis – hey, it’s Paige! Remember me? I’m reading your blog! Anyway, I totally agree with you on this one. And I thank you for posting it because I forget this, a lot.
hi paige! glad you’re reading.
and you’re not the only one who forgets; it’s all too easy to do so, especially when our husbands are good enough to not complain when we forget they’re there.
What more can be said then to me you have said… in other words, perfect post.
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oooo, you always get my wheels turning. I love that about you and your writing.
I never believed in “soul mates” and then I turned into a believer after I met my husband; after I knew I would marry him. Perhaps soul mate is the wrong term… something along those lines. AND? the kids being our soul mates. So true. chills.
what i meant is that i don’t believe in the concept of there being only ONE PERSON, and that we were destined to be with that ONE PERSON. on the other hand, i do believe that sei and i are perfect together. but that’s because we make it so, not because it was fated to be. my kids, though? they belonged to me before time.
totally do not believe in soul mates – I agree – I could walk down the street and have someone fall in love with me – I tell my husband that all the time. I choose to love him though . . . but . . . BUT, I do not put him first. He put me in the back seat a long time ago . . . his career is first . . . therefore, I needed a replacement too . . . I think that’s why I keep having babies(or try to at least)
theresa, are you trying to make me sad? i should have mentioned in this post that i believe this kind of relationship can only exist when it is a two-way street. my husband has the same responsibility to me as i feel to him.
oh Alexis, not at all . . . some men are just that way . . . you are very lucky indeed!
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I am new to your blog and just wanted to say HELLO!
Thank you !
I love this post and could not agree more!!!! Very well written and makes perfect sense.
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hi kellie! thanks for your comment and for reading. i’m glad you liked the post.
That was so well put. Of course, I don’t feel that way…that I love the husband more…but that could be because he is not the father of my kids, so they come first for me. I did, at one point, think he was my soul mate, but not so much anymore. I think he is more of a weigh station…..
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So beautifully written, Alexis! I too look forward to my kids’ bedtime EVERY single night! I feel like that’s the only time in the day that Saia and I really get to BE… Whether we’re just talking or watching a movie without the kids interrupting.
And thanks for the reminder that I shouldn’t feel guilty about leaving my children to spend time with my husband.
Mini-moon here we come! Haha!
We dont’ have kids yet, but we’ve discussed this topic in detail and feel the same way you do. Thanks for putting it into writing so well. =)
LOVED this post! I am seeing this now more than ever between my parents as my mom sits by my dad’s side in the ICU. I love watching them together, even in this horrible situation.
And I so agree about leaving the kids for a date night! I can’t stand when I hear people say that they hate leaving the kids. I mean why?? What is wrong with you!!
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..Family Comes 1st
This was an excellent post. I feel that too many people put their kids first and then when the kids are gone they don’t know who each other is anymore.
I admit when hubs was in the service it was hard to not put the girls first, he was gone. And my coping was to throw myself into my girls and I did.
When he got out it was hard, he had to readjust, we had to learn to live with each other we had to put each other first. We struggled and we got through it.
I know I love him more than I did when we got married. I am so thankful that we both work hard at something that is important to us and when we are happy the girls are happy too!
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